Super Mario: Sorta
by chewie-2006
Summary: What if Mario was a teenager, and was a little reluctant to save the princess, find out here.


Disclaimer: Super Mario Brothers is owned by someone who is not me.

Chewie-2006: Hey everyone, this is a story I wrote a couple months ago. I came across it last night while cleaning files out of my computer. I thought I'd put it on here for all of you to enjoy. Oh, and for anyone who plans on yelling at me too go and work on my other story, don't worry I'll have a new chapter for you sometime this week. Well, here you go.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

_I can't believe this, everyone thinks I'm crazy._

16 year old Mario Vinicci was sitting in the office of his new psychiatrist, Dr. Patty Hamilton. He was growing impatient, she was five minutes late.

_It will be great if she never comes, she's not going to believe me. They never do._

Finally the door to the office opened and in walked Dr. Hamilton. She appeared to be in her mid-thirties, and was kind of pretty.

"Hello Mario," she said with a friendly tone. "I'm Dr. Hamilton. Sorry I'm late."

She walked over to the chair Mario was sitting in and shook his hand. Then she started.

"I understand you had a little incident about a month ago?" she said. "You were found outside a drainage pipe, lying on the ground, naked."

"That's right." Mario told her.

"You said you had just come from a land with little mushroom people and little monsters."

"I did!" Mario lashed out suddenly. "Nobody believes me, but I was there, I saw this place, I'm telling you it was real!"

"Now calm down." Dr. Hamilton told him. "Why don't you start at the beginning, tell me everything."

Mario took a deep breath and let it out.

"Fine." he said, and began his story.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

**One month ago**

_This sucks._

Mario was in a pissy mood. It was the first day out of school and his dad was making Mario and his older brother Luigi go to work with him.

_Why the hell do I have to go with him, I'm never gonna be a plumber._

Mario was contemplating this over a bowl of Cheerios when all of a sudden; he was pulled out of his seat and was put into a head lock.

"Let me go Luigi!" he yelled at his older brother.

"C'mon little brother, you have to make me let you go."

"Alright then." Mario said, and elbowed Luigi in the groin.

Luigi instantly let go of Mario and dropped to his knees.

"Ok you win." Luigi said.

"That puts us at a tie, we each have two." Mario told him. Every morning they would wrestle with each other. They kept track of how many wins they had each week.

"Just you wait until tomorrow." Luigi said, finally getting back on his feet.

"Get your asses ready to go!" their dad was yelling from the front door. "We leave in five minutes."

Their mom came into the dinning room holding two lunch pails.

"Now you boys have a good day." she said. She gave each of them their lunches and kissed them each on the forehead.

The two boys headed outside where their dad was waiting in his Fredrick Vinicci Plumbing Co. van. The boys got in, Luigi sat in the middle and Mario got to sit in the passenger seat.

"Well are you boys ready for your first day of work?" he asked them.

"I'm filled with excitement." Mario told him sarcastically.

"Well excuse me," his dad said, sounding irritated. "But it's either this, or I send you to work with your grandpa. Do you want that?"

That was the last thing Mario wanted. Grandpa Vinicci was a crazy old man who thought he still lived in Italy, if Mario went and helped him he was liable to do nothing but make pasta all summer, and when you make pasta for Grandpa, it has to be perfect.

"I guess not," Mario answered his father.

"Good." his father said. "Here we are."

He pulled the van up in front of an old run down building.

"This is the place?" Mario asked.

"That's right." His father said. "It's got leaks all over the place. So we need to get in there right away."

They all got out and grabbed all the tools they would need out of the van and headed inside. The inside wasn't any better than the outside. The building was supposed to be an apartment building. It looked like you'd have to be pretty low class to live there.

Mario's father knocked on the first door. A big fat guy wearing only his underwear answered the door.

"You the plumbers?" the fat guy asked them.

"Uh, yes we are." Mario's father told him.

"Follow me."

Mario really didn't want to enter the apartment, it smelled like old nachos and rotten beef. The fat guy smelled like beer.

The fat guy led them into the bathroom. The first thing they all noticed was that the toilet was gone. A giant gaping hole was in its place.

"What the hell happened there." Mario's father asked the fat guy.

"About a week ago a giant geyser thingy knocked my toilet out of its place."

"Where have you been going to the bathroom?" Mario asked him.

The fat guy pointed at a giant tub sitting in the corner. Mario thought he was gonna puke, the guy hadn't even covered the thing, and it was pretty much full.

"I was hoping you could crawl down in there and fix the place the geyser came from." Fatman told them.

'"I don't think I can fix that with what I got here." Mario's father said. "I got to go get a flashlight and have a look, I'll be right back."

He then left the room, the fat guy following.

"Damn, look at the size of that hole." Luigi said.

Mario went in for a closer look.

"Yea, I wander what made a freaking geyser do this."

All the dust in the old building must have finally gotten to Mario, because he let out a giant sneeze, and being the clumsy kid he was he lost his balance and next thing he knew he was falling down the hole.

_Oh crap_

Mario was expecting to only fall a little ways, but he just kept falling, and falling, and falling. Soon he was immersed in total darkness.

_Oh shit I'm gonna die._

Mario's whole life was flashing before his eyes, his first Christmas, his first bike, even his first day of school.

Mario was knocked out of his memories when he finally hit the ground. He hit it really hard too.

_Wow, I'm not dead. Or am I? Is this hell, or is it heaven?_

Mario could see what he had fallen out of. Right above him was a big green pipe. He was lying in the grass.

He finally stood up and looked around. He saw that the pipe he had fallen out of was sticking out the side of a cliff.

_What the hell._

That wasn't the end of the weirdness. He saw houses that looked like giant mushrooms. There was also a giant castle up on the hill beyond the village.

Then he saw little people with mushroom on the top of their heads. Men, women, and children, they were all about 3'5. He couldn't believe it either, little people with mushrooms on their head didn't exist. Did they? That's when one of them saw him.

"The warrior from the pipes has come!" he yelled excitedly.

All the little mushroom people stopped what they were doing and looked over at him. Then they all ran over to him. Within seconds they had him surrounded.

"Oh, he feels so soft." One of them said, rubbing his hand on Mario's pants.

"Don't touch me!" Mario yelled as he jumped back.

_This is some seriously messed up crap. Ok just calm down you have to be dreaming or something._

"Where the hell am I?" he asked one of the little mushroom men.

'"You're in the Mushroom Kingdom." one of them said with a giant smile on his face.

"Yes," another one said. "You're the legendary warrior who will come from the pipes to defeat the evil Bowser and rescue Princess Peach. Then you will marry her."

"Marry?" Mario asked, extremely shocked. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Come with us." A squeaky voiced mushroom man said. "The king will explain."

"But-" that's all Mario got out because all the little mushroom people were pulling on his pant legs, urging him to head toward the castle. Eventually he just gave in and started heading toward the castle.

_I just can't believe this. What are these mushroom things? Who is this Bowser and why do I have to kill him. Who is Princess Peach and why do I have to marry her. I wonder if she's hot._

After ten minutes of walking they finally reached the castle. Two little mushroom people wearing armor and holding spears stopped them at the gate.

"What is your business here?" one of them asked.

'The warrior from the pipes has come!" several of them yelled pointing at Mario.

"I see." the guard said excitedly. "Right this way."

The guard took Mario by the arm and led him into the castle. They walked down a long hallway into what appeared to be a giant throne room. Up on the throne at the end of the room was what appeared to be a normal human being, he had a crown on his head and a big fluffy beard on his face.

By this point Mario was convinced this wasn't a dream, either he was dead, or he had been warped to some weird dimension.

"Sir, the warrior from the pipes has come." the guard told the guy who appeared to be the king.

"Splendid." he said. "I knew he would come sooner or later. Welcome young man, I'm King Gono. What is your name?"

"I'm Mario." Mario replied.

"Well then, Mario. I suppose you're wondering what you're doing here."

"You bet your ass I am."

"Well, it all started when my daughter, Princess Peach, went for a walk. Naturally I sent the guards to watch her. After they had been gone for awhile, one of the guards came stumbling half dead into the castle. He told us the evil dragon king, Bowser, had killed the other guard and had kidnapped Princess Peach."

"Um, okay." Mario said. "What does this have to do with me though?"

"One of the crazy old guys in the village who claims to be a wizard remembered a prophecy. It said that the kidnapping would happen, and that if we made a doorway to another dimension a hero would come that would send us a warrior that would destroy Bowser and save Peach. Then he would marry her."

Mario couldn't believe it, he had actually been warped to another dimension and now he was gonna be forced to fight a dragon, just to save a princess.

"I'm guessing the giant geyser that made the hole I fell threw was your wizards doing?" Mario asked.

"Yes, the crazy bastard conjured up a big spell that made the geyser."

"Lets say I didn't want to do this whole hero thing, what will you do?"

"We'll throw you in the dungeon and let you rot."

_I guess I'm stuck._

"All right, I'll do it."

"Splendid!" The King shouted happily "You will head out at dawn with my best soldiers."

_Mario, what the hell have you gotten yourself into?_

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Mario was lying in bed. They had provided him with a very nice room and a very comfy bed.

Mario and devised quite the plan. He was going to attempt to fight this Bowser guy. Then if he actually won, he'd escort Peach back to the castle. Then when they all least expected it, he would run back to the pipe and hope that it would warp him back home.

_It's got to work, it's just got to._

Mario kept running that though his mind as he slowly drifted off to sleep.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Mario was escorted with a guard outside of the castle. What he saw kind of amazed him. There were hundreds of mushroom people wearing armor and carrying things such as swords and spears.

"Where the hell is all my armor and stuff?" Mario asked the guard.

"What do you mean?" the guard asked him. "You're the warrior from the pipes you don't need that stuff, all you need is this."

He handed Mario a flower.

"What the hell am I suppose to do with this?" he asked the guard.

"Point it at the bad guy and say fire."

"Um, okay." Mario said, not quite convinced it was going to help him.

"Are you ready to head out?" the guard asked him.

"I guess."

The guard led Mario to the front of the huge group.

"Head out!" the guard yelled.

The group started moving. They marched for what seemed like about a half hour. They stopped at the bottom of a hill.

On top of the hill was a giant castle. In front of the castle were all kinds of things that Mario couldn't believe he was seeing. There were turtles the size of him, and giant brown heads with feet.

_Great, now I've seen everything._

They stood there for a long time. Mario was wondering what the hell was taking so long. If he was gonna walk into certain death he wanted to do it soon.

"Why the hell are we just standing around?" Mario asked.

"We're waiting for you to tell us to attack." one of the mushroom men told him.

_I guess it's now or never._

"All right everyone." _Crap this sucks really bad. _"Attack!"

They all ran toward the castle at full speed. When they got to the enemy, a vicious battle began. The mushroom men were stabbing and slicing the turtles and head things like crazy.

All of sudden Mario noticed a turtle running toward him.

_Crapcrapcrapcrap._

Mario pointed the flower the guard gave him at the turtle.

"Fire!" he yelled

A fireball shot out of the flower and fried the turtle.

_Cool beans. Suppose I should try to get in the castle._

Mario ran across the battle field shooting every enemy that got in his way with the flower.

Eventually he got to the main doors; they were wide open so he just walked in. The castle was completely empty. Everyone must have been outside. He headed toward the back of the castle. He really didn't know what to expect.

Eventually he came to a big room empty room.

_When am I gonna find Bowser._

At that exact moment he heard a roar from above him.

Mario looked up only to see a giant dragon drop down. The dragon opened his mouth and spit fire at Mario. He managed to dodge it.

_Is this Bowser?_

Mario pointed his flower at the dragon.

"Fire!" he yelled.

A fireball shot out and hit the dragon, with no effect.

_Oh shit_

Mario dodged another fire blast. This time the blast was enough to make his cloths burn up with out even catching on fire,

Mario knew he had to find someway to stop him. Then he got an idea.

When the dragon opened his mouth to let out another blast, Mario lifted the flower, which with its fire compatibility, hadn't burned up, and fired a blast in the dragon's mouth before it could shoot fire.

The dragon blew up and goopy stuff, which must have been dragon blood, splattered the walls.

Mario noticed a door at the back of the room and headed toward it.

On the other side of the door there was a mushroom man tied to a chair.

"Who are you?" It asked sounding scared. "Why are you naked"

"I'm Mario; the dragon burned my cloths. I'm here to save Peach."

"Oh, well the princess is in another castle."

_What? That's it, I'm out of here, all this castle hopping is going to get old._

Mario turned around and started to leave.

The mushroom man kept talking. "There are about seven other castles she could be in…HEY GET BACK HERE AND UNTIE ME!"

Mario ran. He ran out of the castle, across the battle field, and all the way to the pipe where he had fallen out of. He pulled himself into the pipe, and was instantly sucked through it. Mario didn't know how long he was in the pipes, but eventually he fell out, into a sewer.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"That's when I was found by a sanitation worker." Mario said to Dr. Hamilton.

"Well that's quite a story." Dr. Hamilton said.

"You don't believe me do you?"

"Well Mario, what you told me is impossible, I'm thinking you should spend some time up at Green Oaks Hospital."

"I'm not going to the loony bin!" Mario yelled.

He jumped up, ran out of the office, and then out of the building. He ran down the street, not knowing where he was going or what he was going to do. That's all he would do until they caught him. Just keep running."

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Chewie-2006: Yea I know, it's kind of bizarre, but I hope you liked it. 


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